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Just the Bee

JusMeJusB…Just Me, Just Her

In her My Story post, JustB states the following:

“In 2009 my life near enough fell apart.”

And that was more than enough.

In 2009, my adult, post-college life hit the lowest point ever. I lost my job only a year after moving alone to a big city; the love I thought I had turned into a lie; and I was utterly broke and full of shame with just how little I had progressed after dropping out of graduate school due to financial reasons.

I’ve often coined to family and friends that 2009 was my “Year of Hell.”

“In the end, I went to the Doctor and was diagnosed with depression. “

My doctor diagnosed me with chronic depression and gave me a generic pill to help with the more severe symptoms. In the end, because I couldn’t afford the medication once my insurance ran out, I weaned myself off. The withdrawal symptoms nearly shattered me from the inside out. I was actually glad I could stay at home for the length of them. No one, not even my family, knew how close I was to the edge at that time.

“I spent my days breaking down in tears at work, and my nights in the darkness of my bedroom hoping I would not wake up in the morning. I looked at the cars driving along the busy road I lived on and wished I had the courage to walk in front of one.”

The last post on the JustB Blog was added in 2012. I searched her site for contact information, but she left none. Nor was there any Social Media links. The only items I know of her is that she was a struggling actress who loved cheese—like me!!!

Well, except for the actress part.

To find this person—someone who resembled me so closely—was both frightening and relieving. Depression is one of the worst conditions in the world. And if you haven’t felt it at its worst, you could never understand just what it can do to you.

I started this blog to make myself feel profound, important, existential. I wanted to show  people who feel they don’t belong, that they do. They matter so much, and that I understand what they’re going through.

There are those days I just want to plug my ears and scream to drown out my own overactive mind. Friends and family are amazed at how busy I always am, how I’m never available, but they don’t understand.

I stay busy so I don’t have to realize how lonely, depressed, and absolutely hopeless I feel 80% of the time.

I wish I could reach out to JustB and thank her. I don’t know who she is or where she is, but finding her blog felt so good. Finding that there are others out there who know what I’m going through means so much to me. It also means, if I’m being true to myself, that I need to accept and embrace every part of myself.

 

My name is Mind of B.

I have anxiety. I have depression. I am introverted. I like professional wrestling. I love watching people laugh. I hate when families yell at each other. I think marriage is an awesome idea, but only if people didn’t do it. I wish more people loved each other. I wish more people wanted to love each other.

I am B. I am me.

 

 

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