I think the voice buzzing in my ear is saying, “Brandee, you need to relax.”
Meanwhile, I’m whipping around and screaming, “Relax? Relax?! I don’t have time to relax!!”
A thousand other voices (no mental impairment insinuated) are popping through my head, too, all telling me the same thing:
My father’s voice from when I was ten: “You need to chill out.”
My older sister’s voice at any given time: “Eh, don’t worry about it.”
The Joker’s voice, “Why so serious?”
I feel a trend coming on.
Then, of course, my original voice is still trying to reason with me by replaying the conversation that I have to hold every three months or so when I stray from the path of my original desires in life:
Voice: Brandee, what do you want to do in your life?
Me: Me? I want to write! I want to sing! I want to travel the world! I want to become a freelance proofreader and editor so that I can work from anywhere!
Voice: And are you doing anything to achieve any of these goals at this point in time?
Voice: Uh huh. Now, tell me. What are you doing?
Me: …Other stuff.
Me: …I don’t know.
Voice: I see. Well, it seems to me that you could very well find the time to achieve your goals if you reprioritize your life.
Me: But what if my work isn’t good? What if I can’t write? What if no one likes my stories?
Voice: Well, it sure isn’t doing much better by not being written down at all, is it?
Voice: There you go. So, my advice to you is to stop whining, do what you need to do, and get on with it.
Me: Okay…overbearing, annoying—
Voice: What was that?
What’s amazing is how much my new job has already taught me about taking time to relax while still managing to get everything done. Other than a mini-music concert in the middle of the corporate complex and an invitation by my boss to participate in games held within the courtyard, nothing specific has really happened to revolutionize my thought process. Rather, it’s the very atmosphere and the way that people carry themselves that make me look at matters – including a job – very differently.
I promised myself that I would not continue to jump from job to job for the rest of my life. I even told myself that this would be the last job that I would hold before I would become a full-time novelist. I intend to stick with that promise. In the meantime, I hold the support of my closest friends and my family to do what I need to do to get started or complete my goals. Despite my misgivings and my random flares of anger, I understand that.
What’s keeping me from enjoying my life is me, and only me.
I really hope that I don’t have to keep telling myself that.